Accepting...

Been rather down, emo & not being my usual self for awhile. Last week wasn't a good week for me at all... Falling sick is one thing, receiving news that are not promising for me is another.

I have always though that I'll be able to get out of my darkest moment soon or easily, but it's overall not as easy as I thought. The frequent/massive amount of drinking seems to becoming a habit for me, or rather addiction? Insomnia seems to becoming my best friend now, accompanying me throughout the night without fail.

Sometimes I feel that maybe there's really some problem with me, or do I have to really use the mind over body method?? I'm slowly accepting the fact that I might really become a "Confession of an alcoholic" soon or have already became...

I just have to accept the fact for lotsa things... Like...
- Life isn't fair
- Hardwork doesn't pay off
- Being nice, u get nothing in return
- Being nice, u'll not be appreciated
- Being too friendly, u'll be associates with being too fake
- Being too fun loving, u might be said as "u're trying too hard"
- I'll stand by u always, doesn't mean others will stand by u as well
- Sharing ur secret, doesn't mean after that, it'll still be a secret

I can go on and on without stopping... But I guess enough example for now. I'm seriously not looking forward to Monday... But there's nothing I can do. Good night world & god bless all of you.

Negative,
Amanda

Sent from my iPhone

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I'm Lost & I feel Paranoid

I dont know what is wrong with me these few weeks. I feel really lost with basically a lot of things. I'm usually nt like that, what is wrong? I'm a little panicking...

I feel paranoid with a lot of things, the way people look at me, I start to have doubts, I start to feel people are gossiping & talking bad abt me. I also feel everyones impression of me changes... What the hell is wrong with me?

Lost & Paranoid,
Amanda
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

RIP My Dearest Baby...

Received a saddening news this morning from my Mummy. Our beloved stray dog which we name it "Baby" passed away this morning. I'm lost for words when I heard about it. The worst thing that triggers my emotion is when my Mummy started crying over the phone. I really have the urge to rush down to her office and give her a big hug.

Baby, she first came to our world since 2004 June. Though she's a stray dog, but she's really very adorable, she listens to us, she spent 2 months with us at home before we send her to my Mummy's office. All I can say is that she took care of my Mummy well, she took care of our factory well. She's the Mother of all dogs at the factory where she will give signals on when to bark & when to stop.

She will also bite the fleas off from other doggies, took very good care of her babies. There's this particular Sofa which Baby will sleep on everyday inside my Mummy's office. But now, when my Mummy stared at the Sofa, she's no longer there and she feels sad. Its just not easy for my Mummy to handle... I felt really sad too.

I can't continue to blog abt it any further. I pray tat Baby will be better in heaven, she's been really good. I am quite sure she will be able to find new owners like us. Lastly, I want to thank her, for enduring the pain since last night till this morning. To give & show my parents her last strength of hope. I believed she feels relieve after seeing my parents for the last time before she bid goodbye. Baby RIP and remember, we will always Love u & u'll always be in our hearts.

Love,
Amanda & Family
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

Depressed...

I think I need serious help... I'm afraid of having & getting mild depression. Work is killing me inside out, its not abt the workload but something else...
Sometimes I wonder, since world is never fair, what else shld I do?

Its like a senario of 2 very close guy friends fighting for 1 girlfriend. I can't or can never be able to express how I feel. I jus feel that whatever effort put in, had already gone to waste. I dont usually give up easily, my determinations are always strong. But this time round its different. I give up & I'm too tired...

Why shit always happened to me? I don't noe why... All I can say is that... Amanda is dead... And I've became "a confession of an alcoholic" I jus don't wish to start another tempting bad "habit"...

Btw... I'm really too tired... Take care all...
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

Relaxing Weekend Indeed...

Thursday night & the whole of Friday was hell for me. Down with fever on friday, having terrible headache, feeling giddy, vomitting & slight gastric. But after a good rest, I felt really better.

Saturday, farewell breakfast with Ying, really gonna miss her lots once again, she's back to Australia once again. Jia you ying !!! =)
Had reunion steamboat dinner with most of Suet's Jie Meis and Andrew's Brothers, they r a fun bunch of people indeed, make me feel kinda relax.

Today is the last day of Chinese New Year, its gonna end off well, I felt really relax here. With the kids swimming in the pool, with u sitting inside the house watching them, all laughters from the adults. Thinking back, my godma is really leading a really good life as compare to us.
Being able to see all these beautiful houses over at Sentosa makes me wanna strive and excel in life. Though its not possible to excel till this stage but I'm glad we got a chance to experience all these.

Life's been rather mono for me, its kinda tough for me & also for some of my friends who's experiencing some ups & downs in life. But am sure we will be able to go through all these soon.

Let life be smooth & happy for me soon please...

Xoxo,
You know I love you all...
Amanda Chua
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

Merry Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Merry Christmas to all my dear friends!! It's a season filled with lotsa Joy, Fun, Laughter & also Love...

Was still mentioning I can't really remember what I did last Christmas, no resources to recap my memory as well. However, I'm very very sure I'll definitely be able to remember my Christmas Eve, Christmas as well as Boxing Day for 2009 clearly.

I can't post up a picture from my phone while blogging, so I shall post it up again when I have the time. This blog is collating dust/web & too wordy.

Alright I hope everyone have the most enjoyable Christmas ever!! =)

Love,
Amanda Chua

Sent from my iPhone

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Knock Me Out & Change My Brain...

Sometimes I really wish my brain can be changed. This brain of mine been working really too hard, it keeps working even when I'm sleeping.

I've been thinking alot again these few days (or rather been approximately 2 weeks ?) I dislike myself for thinking too much, but it aint something bad, it's about my future though. Ofcourse recently lotsa activities that require brain storming sessions.

Sometimes I did tell myself, can I be like some of my role model friends. They seems to be trouble-free... maybe it's time for me to try and believe.

Gonna be a really busy & $$ spending December... I have decided to put everything I wanna buy on hold, I just wanna save as much $$ as I can. But ofcourse if the urge of spurging arises, I will just spend... I'm so confused on the things I wanna get, either it's too expensive, or it's not practical/not a need to... therefore I shall just take my time to think thru it... at most I will just set it for my 2010 resolutions... talking about it, it's time to write down list of my 2010 resolutions soon.... =)

Thinker, Think, Thinking,
Amanda Chua